There is a concept in psychology called “the conceptualized self.”  Our conceptualized selves are made up of all the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and who we should be. The negative part of that is the part that beats ourselves up using shame, discouragement, and frustration.  This aspect is often called “the inner critic.”

The positive side of the conceptualized self is the part of us that drives our ambition for success.  It tells us who we are, based on any number of details we attach to our “self.”  The choice of those details, of course, is totally subjective and almost always omits important details that would change the skew of that vision of ourselves if they were brought to our attention.

When asked the simple question “Who are you?”  the predominant answer from males is to simply name their profession.  When Joe says “I’m an accountant,” and only that, there’s an unspoken inference that this is all there is to him.  Of course, that’s silly.  Joe is a husband, a father of two, a coach of his son’s baseball team, a member of the PTA, as well as a member of the community orchestra (Joe’s a busy fellow).

More rounded answers tend to come from females, who will answer with their profession, but with more.  Jane will say she is a “a teacher, a mother, a wife, a baker, and a Girl Scout leader.” (Jane is as busy as Joe.)

Even with Jane’s case, there is a wealth of aspects that were omitted.  Some might not even be attached to a person’s current life.  If we could drill into Joe’s subconscious, we might also hear Joe say he is: “the kid who got laughed at in the third grade for tripping on his way up to the chalkboard.”  Joe’s “inner self” also had other subjective building blocks, like the time when his father told him he was a loser.  Or the time when he screwed up the courage to ask a girl on a date and she turned him down – and rudely.

The “self” of Jane comes from other building blocks like being told she was stupid by her mother.  Jane’s self carries the memories of being told she was a little chubby by her high school gym teacher.  That self was also built by society, who threw up models on the cover of Vogue who looked nothing like she did (mainly because they spent three hours in hair and makeup before the photo was taken).

This combination of subjective views of ourselves, and all of the experiences we have dealt with make up the “conceptualized self.”  This subjective view is the opposite of learning to build your “observing self.”  Changing how we view ourselves and our thoughts is critical to dealing with a disease that uses our thoughts against us.

This part of the program gets a little abstract, but it’s crucial to understand this before moving to the next section.  The main point is that our brains are not objective recorders of information, but rather parts of a subjective human being whose entire experience is tinged with many aspects of our pasts – a lot of them unremembered (at a conscious level).  It’s why if there is a crime with 24 witnesses, police often get 24 different descriptions of the events and of the perpetrator.  Those people aren’t lying, they have just seen an objective event through the eyes of a subjective human being.

This is where the concept of “the observing self” comes in.  The main shift in thinking involves looking at our thoughts, rather than from our thoughts.  Our thoughts might evaluate a situation perfectly, if it’s not touching on anything that might skew the evaluation of that situation.

But… we have a disease.  This is where we need to learn to question our thoughts, which may be coming from genuine us, but which might also be coming from our disease.  This is where we need to utilize “the observing self.”

I will often ask clients “What are your thoughts telling you?” instead of “What are you thinking?”  That’s a subtle difference, but an important one.  It’s changing the viewing point from which these thoughts are seen.  “The observing self” involves the ability to ask yourself the same question.  What are your thoughts telling you – especially when you’ve opened up the possibility of relapsing?  If you can recognize when the disease is talking and that it is not the real you, you’ve got a chance to battle as the enemy from outside rather than as “the enemy within.” 

I always liken the disease of compulsive eating to that of the world’s best salesman. Imagine a salesman who is the most charming, likable person – who also is the smoothest talker on the planet. Now imagine he is selling something that you really like, but have decided was no longer good for you. That salesman already has a half a foot in the door, doesn’t he? Now imagine that this salesman can also read your mind. Whatever you’re going to say to decline the offer, he has a “logical” counter argument all ready to go. Imagine how hard it would be to say “no” to that salesman. That is the disease of compulsive eating.

Now here’s the nastiest part of that salesman’s “pitch”: when he’s done, and he’s “made the sale” (and you’ve picked up the food), he leans over and whispers in your ear: “remember, this was your idea all along.”

Was it really your idea? If it was really what you wanted to do, would you be going to all those meetings? Why would you be doing all the work to try to stay abstinent? Of course, it wasn’t your idea, it was the disease’s idea!  This is, at its core, the perfect example of an addiction at work.  At the exact moment of impulse, the disease won the day and made the sale.  And yet, you – the victim of your disease – blames yourself.  What a perfect setup – for the disease.

Learning to master the observing self helps you realize that you are not your disease.  You are not your cravings, and you are not without weapons.  As we say in 12-Step programs, “We’re powerless, but we’re not helpless.”

Mastering the observing self means that you will be able to stop yourself and ask “is this really something I want to do?”  When the craving hits, you’ll be able to step back and say to yourself “Oh look… I’m having a craving.  I’m having the urge to go eat.  That’s interesting!”

Moreover, the observing self can even be used to take this out another level, the “meta” level.  You can step back and look at yourself looking at the craving.  “Oh look… I’m observing that I’m having a craving.  Let’s see how I handle it.”

We'll look at exactly how that is done in the next article.