One of my best friends in program is a gentleman named Harlan G.  Harlan leads Big Book Retreats and speaks at Conventions around the world.  He has lost 500 pounds, thanks to program (that’s not a typo).  Most importantly, he has been keeping it off for many years.

Harlan often says “there are people in program who are working a 12 Step program, and then there are those who are merely ‘dieting with group support.’” 

I remember the first time I heard that line I had to decide whether it was a deep truth that I needed to ponder further or something that should annoy me.  The more I thought of it, the more I realized how many of those meetings (‘dieting with group support’) I had attended over the years.  This was especially true during my years of travel, when I would go to an area where ALL of the meetings there seemed to fall into this category.

I often say that I have been in two different programs over the years.  The first one lasted for about 14 years – from when I arrived in program until I got out of my massive slip.  The second from that time onward.  Of course, the reality is/was that there were not two different program s, there were two different Johns.

The first program was the one I assumed program was all about when I came through the doors as a newcomer.  I saw people sitting in a meeting, talking about their food, their eating, their slips, their problems at home (you get the idea).  What I did not hear was mentions of the Steps, the Big Book, spiritual and emotional recovery and the like.  Were they not spoken of?  They probably were, but my “receiver” was tuned to those things I liked to hear about – and more importantly – what I wanted to TALK about.

There is a natural progression with recovery for those who truly embrace the program.  There’s nothing more thrilling than to come to your first program meetings and hear people talk about actions that you were SURE that you were the only person on Earth that did them.  What a feeling of identification, of kinship, of camaraderie.  I don’t think I would have been human had I not felt these things.

The problem was this is where my recovery stopped.  In looking back, I came to a fork in the road and chose the wrong path.  I think once that “new car smell” starts to rub off of program, the real work has to begin.  I needed to pivot at some point from seeing program as a place to go to hear about other peoples’ problems and talk about mine to a program that would truly help me SOLVE those problems.  And by that I mean to change myself and my perceptions of the world, and my reactions to life.  But I did not.

This eventually led to a multi-year relapse cycle.  Why?  Because nothing changes if nothing changes.

One of my main character defects, as it turned out, was narcissism – or self-centeredness as it is called in the “Big Book.”  Coming to meetings and talking about my problems wasn’t solving any of them, it was simply reinforcing that self-centeredness.  What I needed to do was get serious about the Steps and studying the Big Book.

When the pain of the relapse got bad enough and I hit bottom, I joined a new program – the one with the Steps and the Big Book.  This has made all the difference.  I heard a relapse survivor in OA describe my situation perfectly in describing her past:  “The first time I came to program, I worked the Tools.  The second time I worked the Steps.”  Guess which one worked?

Now, the fact is that my recovery from relapse happened in an area that has VERY strong program.  The meetings I go to in program here in Los Angeles often don’t resemble the meetings I saw in those different areas around the country.  They are more Big Book and Step oriented and there are not as many “pitch and bitch” meetings.  I am not sure which came first.  Did the strong emphasis in these things at meetings lead to people finding strong recovery – or was it the converse? 

I do know one thing, and I learned it the hard way in my first week of my first 12 Step program.  I was at a meeting where the people sat in a circle and the sharing simply went from person to person.  When it got to me, I proceeded to talk about myself for way too long.  (And this was in the days before timers.  Ouch!)  When I was done, my sponsor buttonholed me at the door and gave me a lecture.  He said “here’s something you need to learn:  12 Step meetings are NOT group therapy.  Listen to what it says in the Preamble.  We’re here to share our ‘experience, strength and hope’ and right now kid, you ain’t got much of any of them.”  Ahh… to be called “kid” again.

Today, I see recovery differently.  We’re all here for each other, and it’s not a coincidence that “we” is the first word of the Steps.  We need to support each other as we come to put the food down, pick up the Steps and work toward changing ourselves into the better people we can be – people who don’t need to be diving into the food every few weeks or months.

What we don’t need is a few more people around the group therapy circle.